Jumat, 19 Mei 2017

Talk to myself

it's been five days since musywil of FLP Jogja. I truly became a neet now. I was lazying around this whole week. And worrying too much about what will I do after this. Well, for the first time after entering college, I dont have any structural position in some organization. I started to realize that being busy is one of His blessing that often forgotten.

Too much spare time is not good for your healthy, though. -_-

And it's been two days since I got dyspepsia. while I'm enduring the ache of my stomach, I keep starring at the blank page of document on my laptop. I'm drowning in my own thought, my own anxious. worrying about what i should do after this. worrying about the LPJ which I should revise. worrying about the data set which i abandoned this past two weeks. worrying about the life after graduation.

Even though I remember every session I took with my psychologist, but it's not easy to overcome the anxious, to stop the thought of being useless. to stop being a perfectionist. :(

Well, I should stop this -unrealistic-personal-rules within me.

Okey, let's think. I have the data set to finish. I have halaqah to care. And remember that I just joined an online institute.See? I'm not useless at all. I still have the will to learn. So dont stop now just because my irrational worry. Stop being so perfectionist. no one think that you're useless, it's just you. the one with that thought is you. You should treasure yourself more. just like yous said to one of your sister last week. Because, no one will treasure you, except yourself.

the thought is just the thought. the thought is not a fact. (it's the words from my psychologist).

So, your thought is not a fact. And your thought is controlling your feeling. if you stop overthinking, you stop being anxious.

your thought is just a thought. the thought is not a fact.

semangat! mungkin semuanya nggak perlu dilawan, cuma perlu diterima, dan berjuang bersama dengan segala anxious yang dipunya.

(sorry for bad grammar, i just finished some chapters of online comic, and it influenced me to using english wkwkwk .-.)

Kamis, 11 Mei 2017

Ngalor Ngidul

sudah seminggu lebih saya mengalami kesulitan tidur, bahasa kerennya insomnia. Meski sudah berkali-ali mengalami LPJ-an, tapi tetap saja rasa tegangnya tidak pernah sedikitpun berkurang. Justru bertambah seiring dengan bertambahnya usiaku (?).

Sebelum-sebelumnya saya mengalami prosesi LPJ dan persiapannya sebagai staff atau kepala divisi. Mulai dari staff divisi Imtaq di tahun 2010, kadiv Imtaq di tahun 2011, staff media opini kalam di tahun 2013, kadiv media opini alam di tahun 2014, dewan pertimbangan kalam di tahun 2015, staff creative media FLP di tahun yang sama, yang terakhir kemarin, ketua Bimo forsalamm di tahun 2016. Dan, saat saya menulis ini jelang 2 hari untuk musyawarah wilayah FLP Jogja.

Dan saya baru tahu kalau jelang LPJ-an, sestres ini menjadi sekretaris. Di saat kamu juga harus menyiapkan teknis (dan ini berarti mengorganisasikan orang-orang -dan tentu ini sangat stresful buat saya yang punya social anxiety), juga menyusun LPJ yang sampai detik ini masih ada yg belum mengumpulkan.

Meski tentu ada faktor-faktor penambah stres lainnya macam dikejar-kejar dosen untuk segera menyelesaikan olahan data (yang bahkan belum saya sentuh), juga satu dan hal lain..

Sejujurnya, setiap harinya saya pengen banget teriak-teriak. Tapi takut dikira makin sedeng. Akan lebih baik kalau bisa nangis sih. But, i couldnt. Saya cuma duduk terpaku di depan laptop, bengong. Atau guling-guling baca komik atau nonton yucub yang ga ada faedahnya. Mau nontonin kajian lagi sebenernya tapi njuk ngerasa tertuduh dan jleb-jleb, akhirnya langsung ganti nontonin hal yang nggak berfaedah lagi.

Ya Rabb, saya nggak paham lagi. Sepertinya malam ini saya nggak tidur. (meski kalo akhirnya tidur, ya Alhamdulillah).

pengen teria. pengen teriak. pengen teriak. pengen teriak.

well, saya nulis ini cuma buat nyampah sih. menumpahkan segala kecemasan yang nggak ada ujungnya ini. (Tapi saya nggak mau dikomentarin, 'ngga usah cemas, tyani', it's just like adding bunch of salt on the scar. Kalo ada orang dengan anxietas dibilang 'ngga usah cemas' malah justru kadang semakin cemas, karena dia jadi mikir lagi, 'apakah harusnya saya nggak cemas?' 'apakah saya lebai cemasnya?' and so on.).

yaudahlah